Our Mindset Episode 8
What is the worst thing that can happen to a woman?
It’s when another man insults her in public while her husband stands by and watches in silence. In that moment, it doesn’t matter that she has a husband—because he is of no use to her.
I used to call him Mangu Bhaiya. He was my husband’s brother-in-law, which made him like a brother to me. I had done nothing wrong. But hearing him speak rudely to my husband that morning had unsettled me for the entire day. I was furious.
It pained me to see my husband call him “master,” as if he were his superior. And the same husband, when I was being humiliated, just stood there watching. Tears welled up in my eyes. But instead of standing up for me, he simply turned away and continued cutting maize. I felt utterly powerless.
What Should a Husband Be Like?
I have seen two men up close—my father and my husband’s elder brother, my brother-in-law.
No matter where my father was or how many people he was surrounded by, if my mother called him, “Come here for a moment,” he would get up immediately. She never had to call him twice.
Once, when my father wasn’t home, my uncle got into an argument with my mother in a fit of anger. When my father found out, he tied my uncle to a tree and beat him. “You want to fight with me? Why did you speak to my wife like that?” he demanded.
We had chickens at home, and my aunt lived right across from us. The chickens would sometimes dirty her yard, leading to frequent arguments between her and my mother. My mother would argue back, but my father never raised his voice against his sister—despite their fights, he knew where to draw the line.
There were always fights in the house. At times, my father wouldn’t speak to my mother for a month or two. He would even hit her. But no matter what happened inside, he never let the world see her alone.
Once, my mother was grazing our buffalo along the boundary shared with the Patil family. The landlord saw her and simply said, “Don’t let the buffalo wander into the sugarcane.” That one sentence, spoken in a slightly dismissive tone, was enough to enrage my father. There was a water pit by the roadside—he threw the landlord into it and beat him. A huge fight broke out. The landlord even brought his men to retaliate, but my father wasn’t afraid.
That’s the kind of anger a husband should have for his wife’s dignity. When a woman’s own husband doesn’t value her, both family and outsiders start taking advantage of her.
A Husband Who Cares
My brother-in-law would iron his wife’s sarees himself. He would choose colors he liked and get her blouses stitched, wrapping them carefully in paper before handing them to her. She was a mother of four, yet whenever she went to visit her parents, he accompanied her. Her name was Baby, but whenever he wrote it down, he would respectfully write “Baby Tai” (Tai meaning elder sister, as a mark of respect).
If she ever had a dispute with their mother-in-law, he would take her side, arguing with his own mother. If their children troubled her, he wouldn’t hesitate to discipline them. He even bought her face creams, remembering the little things she liked.
We lived together for seven years, but I never once saw them fight. She fasted on Tuesdays, and every Monday evening, he would soak the sabudana (tapioca pearls) in preparation for her meal the next day.
And my husband? Whenever I needed something, he simply took me to my parents’ house instead.